- Depressing (my philosophy is that life is too short to read depressing books)
- Any part of a series EXCEPT the first book
- Is scratched so badly that you miss whole chapters of what you are listening to
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Right Click Save as if you want to save it.
Side Project Podcast Intermission Episode 8
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Who do you want to see(hear) us try to talk with.
And what topics would you like to hear. Let us know here, on Twitter or send us an e-mail at
" firstname.lastname@example.org "
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
The mall obdurately refused to yield customers. Jemeera Gomez Carlson, Jem to her friends, was so far beyond bored that she thought she might cry. She had adjusted all the display models, dressed and redressed the two full-size mannequins in the shop three times, a process that usually took the better part of half an hour. She had balanced the till (without the credit receipts) four times.
Sure it was mid-January, the retail equivalent of a yearly Great Depression, and sure she had homework to do(she wasn't THAT bored), but Jem had hoped for SOMETHING to do. Maybe stare at that cute jewelry store sales girl Jem had seen last week. Jem had never really been into guys, but then she'd never really been into girls. Not til she saw her. Most jewelry store sales reps were attractive, it was like a prerequisite for the job, but this one… this was was beautiful. Jem had spent the majority of her shift trying to avoid staring across the corridor at Whitehall Jewelers. The woman was a couple years older than Jem, and likely attended the local state college. Blonde hair, blue eyes and gorgeous in a natural sort of way. Jem could tell she wore very little make-up. Jem imagined she was gorgeous without her make up, perhaps more so… for so many women used make up as their armor against the world. Certainly that was Jem's reasoning. She as lucky to have been born with her mother's smooth, flawless skin, but she spent 45 minutes each morning to keep it that way. Jem's naturally cafe-au-lait skin and flashing black eyes had caught the eye of several boys in her school, but she wasn't interested.
Jem blinked. She glanced around her father's shop. The Whitehall sales rep who had taken her fancy was not working today and as her mind had wandered something in the shop had… changed. It was so subtle it might have been her imagination, but she was just superstitious enough to take a look around the shop. There had been shoplifters before, but mostly they targeted the higher-end fashion shops, Hot Topic, and Spencer's Gift, not the local tuxedo rental. She reached under the counter and grabbed an ancient pipe-fitters wrench her father had inherited from her great-grandfather who had been, in his day, a pipe-fitter.
She nosed around the shop, holding the wrench at her waist, not wanting any potential customers walking by (there were none) to see it. The shop was simple: The antechamber which contained several display tables, half-mannequins dressed for prom, and two free-standing mannequins (one masculine, one feminine) near the entrance decked out in the latest finery fresh from the Ohio clothier where her father did his business.
Racks of jackets and vests lined the walls, dressing rooms in the back, and the register which had just been upgraded to take Discover and American Express maybe two years previously. Jem had worked in this shop for five years, first unofficially, and now as a full-time paid employee. Her father had made a big deal out of making her an official “KEYHOLDER” which was his word for shift manager, but it was just another responsibility for her that she could care less about. She planned to leave as soon as she graduated and go to college. She wasn't 100% sure where yet, but she had been accepted to several fairly decent schools so…
There it was again. She walked back tot he counter, opened a cupboard and turned down the XM radio station playing classical music, and there it was. Nothing physically had changed in her shop, it was auditory. Music played, soft and slow… she stepped toward the shop's large entrance and listened to the mall's canned muzak, but that wasn't it. The music was something old-timey, something that reminded her a bit of Post-Modern Jukebox… but not. She glanced across the corridor.
Most times in the mall, even with zero customers, she could still see half a dozen people: The sales rep(s) across the hall, the bored kid at the Cinnabon across kitty-corner from her, two or three kiosk workers staring blankly at their phones, and Jake the 30-something janitor who flirted with all the underage employees. He was harmless enough, she supposed, but she didn't like talking to him when she was in the shop by herself. Thus, the pipe-fitters wrench.
But right this moment, there was no one. Not a soul in either direction. The hair stood up on the back of her neck and chill crept involuntarily across her skin. She turned form the entry and froze, unable to move.
The mannequins were dancing. The freestanding mannequins, the male in a classic three-piece, and female in the latest design of feminine tuxedos (her father was nothing if not progressive) and they were doing a fast sort of waltz in the center of the store. The half-mannequins, which were mostly headless, swayed in time, and the featureless heads lining the ceiling featuring the “largest selection of black-tie millinery in the city” were humming along with their freakish, mouth-less faces.
Jem screamed and closed her eyes… the music stopped. She opened them again… and everything was still. She dashed the counter and dropped the wrench on it, and reached to scoop up the phone… but a white hand fell onto it. The male mannequin stood before her, hand on the receiver, offering the silk boutonniere that had adorned his chest. She reached out and took it, very slowly. He bowed, a smile stretching across his plastic face, and resumed his position on the floor… and all was as it had been.
Jem took a deep breath and exhaled. She could see a Whitehall sales rep across the corridor. The bored kid at Cinnabon was back. The music had stopped. She reached down, pulled out her backpack and removed her homework. Sitting behind the counter, she began her calculus, and did not look up again until closing time.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
I will refer you to my article from last year (Save vs. Exhaustion) as I followed... well, some of my own advice and found it to be very effective. In addition, I discovered the advice I did NOT follow... I wish I had.
In addition, I appeared once again on the Established Facts (this time sans Tracy Hickman) as part of the GenCon wrap up episode (which you can find here). The fact that was established fr me during the course of this recording was that if it appears in the Bible, it's allowed on the Established Facts, so next year I may or may not be stoning Josh Demaree for wearing a cotton/poly blend.
And last but not least, I will be posting all the pictures I took at GenCon (I've been lax... still recovering from my GenCon) on our Facebook feed, which you can find here.
Also, in the coming days, I will be sharing a couple of short stories I have written of late. One I wrote for a Flash Fiction story writing contest, the other I am writing for an upcoming Short Fiction writing contest. Neither results are back yet, so fingers crossed!
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Speaking of Chris Jackson and Gen Con. Meet him at Gen Con This weekend. Also Adam is at Gen Con This weekend. In Fact both of them met up, see the picture!.
Also, Check out Chris's other stuff. The Weapon of Flesh Series, Scimitar Seas Series, Pathfinder Tales.
EP 38 Chris Jackson (Right Click Save As)
Friday, July 15, 2016
Not long ago Nick (host) remastered the system intended for use with Pathfinder, and submitted it to the latest Wayfinder Magazine: Issue #15 based on the River Kingdoms.
While out of over 200 submissions, it may have been hard to fit an oddball little gambling submission into the magazine, however that doesn't mean we cannot let you see what we submitted and use it for your own game. Who knows, maybe one of our guests past or future will help us get it into Paizo's official hands and see what happens. ;-)
(the term "player" refers to each PC or NPC participating)
Starting with the lowest Profession (Gambling) roll from earlier and moving up the list, each player must choose, aloud, one option from each of the following two categories to roll:
|Bluff||Sense Motive||Highest Roll +1 card|
|Bluff||Perception||Both +1 Card|
|Sleight of Hand||Sense Motive||Both +1 Card|
|Sleight of Hand||Perception||Highest Roll +1 card|
captain’s hand uses similar rules to Texas Hold’em. Each player receives two cards to start. (Same intimidation rules) and betting occurs. Then the captain’s 5 card hand is played. Players roll their skills and receive their extra cards. Best 5 cards from your hand and captain’s Hand wins.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
We chat about their project, the book, what is in it. We get a little sneak peak at some of the characters by their authors, Hal Greenberg, Kevin Glusing, Doug Herring, and Richard Lee Byers!
The story of how the Anthology came to be and all the cool stuff they have planned down the road. There are a ton of great names attached to this project and you should totally go back it and try to get yourself some swag off of this guaranteed (by me at least) Kickstarter.
Doug's Mysticeye Board Game Site
Doug's YouTube Channel
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Which makes it all Nicks fault.. even though he wasn't even there.
Enjoy the show.
E36 Established Facts After Dark
The Established Facts Podcast - Website
Friday, July 1, 2016
Oddly Normal Vol. 1
Comic Shop Locator
Friday, June 24, 2016
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Also check out his website four more cool stuff.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
You may be curious about our gluten free twitter posts. Nick and Holly went to the Minneapolis Gluten Free/Allergy festival.
I bet Nick is not the only gamer/geek out there that has to live with gluten free foods. Or other food allergies.
Perhaps we will spend some time talking about snacks and food planning for games.
Friday, May 27, 2016
We also give you a few cool item/spell/class/race ability combinations
To Download: Right Click - Save As
EP 35 Epic Games and Gaming
Also, here is the..
Kicked in the Dicebags Side Project 2011 Conversation
KITDB: Side Project EP 9 Epic Games
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Many have asked me questions about my character that eventually rose to divinity and I have had no problem telling the tales. And there are a lot since he is as old as 2nd Edition D&D. I thought, what the heck, I'll blog post his stats, if anyone wants a Pirate God Stats for 3.5
Lord of Sail and Sea
Symbol: Open ocean with a ship in the middle
Home Plane: Brightwater
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Portfolio: Ocean, Sailors, Pirates, Naval Combat, Ships, Sea Trade
Worhipers: Sailors, Sentient Sea Creatures, Rogues, Traders, Planar Travellers
Cleric Alignment: CG, CN, CE
Domains: Ocean, Travel, Luck, Trickery
Favored Weapon: “Shahannah” Quickbladed Rapier
Captain Maxwell Dragonfly is a fair and lighthearted fellow, who has been known to make decisions based on what he thinks is either for the greater good, or for himself and his people. Few understand the worlds economy better than he. If there is a good time to be had or an event that is held he makes sure he will want to be there. When something needs to be done that will come in the morning.
Dragonfly has weaved himself in and out of danger, history, and stories throughout years always upping his own ante. Bards tell of his tales and he is well known for the large amounts of loyal followers he had as a mortal being.
Clerics of Dragonfly usually take up homes in ports or on ships. The priests always pray for their spells at midday (noon) in case that Dragonfly is not up before then to answer after long nights. They usually try to face the nearest large body of water that which can be sailed. If none are present then they pray to the sky in case he is sailing a flying ship.
History/Relationships: Dragonfly was made into a diety Twice. The first time with his sheer number for followers then by saving the Life of Mask, and helping Beshaba gain the lost powers and memories of her dead sister, and making wild promises to the gods of war and trade then finally be defeating Valkur in ship tot ship combat through use of trickery and deception. He was granted divinity. However his Immortality was split and taken from him and his mortal part continued. While his immortal self sacrificed his being to create a new unbreakable chain to lock away Kezef the Chaos Hound whom Cyric let loose.
It was later that he found his way to a divine competition of chosen mortals that while convincing the other Dieties that he had not lost his powers but instead become more powerful that Dragonfly Conned Umberlee into giving trading him her most powerful portfolio, the Ocean Portfolio. Upon regaining his Divinity he regained his portfolios as well as some of the ones from His Fallen friend/enemy Valkur.
Dragonfly readily sides himself with the Dieties that are more good than evil. Including the New Outlook of Beshaba whom he consistently attempts and sometimes successfully Romances. As well as allied with Sune, Selune, Mask, and Waukeen. Also in his days as a Mortal he was close friends with the new Dieties of Tashel the God of Magic and Bollum the High Dwarven God. Some Clergy of Dragonfly say that it is from these two Dieties that Dragonfly maintains the Churches Funding through a Series of Gambling meetings between the three.
Dragonfly has many Enemies, such as any rulers of the Hell Levels, Cyric, Aumenter(formerly Pelor/Lothander), and his two greatest enemies Shar(who nearly Killed him when his spirits were split) and Umberlee(whom He cheated some of Her Divinity)
Dogma: Taking calculated risks to ensure your own future through any means necessary is how to live life. Keeping in mind how it effects the others around you. Your life is only as good as the friends you keep and how you help keep them happy. Destroying the world and taking everything for yourself will not keep the world at balance or yourself happy. No good deed goes unpunished and no bad deed is without reward. However making the right decision to keep everything in check yet helping yourself in the interim is the best way to go. There is always a believe in getting a second chance. The stories tell of many second chances between Dragonfly’s Friends, Family, and his deeds of granting second chances to even his largest rivals and betrayers.
Clergy/Temples: Worshipers of the Lord of Sail and Sea are not hard to find. They generally have no problem making themselves known. Sometimes their arrogance is a flaw. However it is usually with great skill that they have and can amass large listeners. Often their services are more of tales and stories. With good reason, these are far easier to spread than stale preachings in a temple of forbidden drink. There are always reasons to the story with morals and points. As the church tells, if someone didn’t give Dragonfly a chance to begin with, even an impossible defeat a demon kind of chance. He would have died in a cage somewhere before anything ever happened. Anyone down on their luck, Sailors, Merchants and travelers and almost anyone from any walk of life have been known to walk in and hear a tale and remember it and offer up a prayer.
Clerics of Dragonfly are usually Sailors themselves or work out of a port. Some places such as Haluura have sky temples that worship Dragonfly as the master of the Sky Ships. And even Sigil and Union have temples to this planar travelling sailor.
The former pirate Isles now owned by the church of the Sail and Sea God and houses a heavy trading city and also houses Churches of Selune, Waukeen, Taschel. IT is guarded by members of the Mithril Guards and a trade agreement by many countries to neutrality and hold by law the laws of the Island set forth years ago by the old Pirate King Immuruk. The church believes that currently the Curse of Immuruk is Held in place directly by Dragonfly himself. It is in this city that once a year a celebration is held at the head temple of Dragonfly at the top of the mountain once Mansion to the Pirate King. This celebration lasts for Four days. The first day to celebrate the dawning of a new King. Here people test their skill to find a possible new pirate king. The second day is a day of Food, Party, and all forms of Debauchery. This day celebrates his first Completion to Divine Status. The third day is the Day of Sacrifice. To represent his willingness to give it all up for all of his friends family and the world at large. This day none speak, party or drink. But instead they fill a Caravel ship with items that they choose as a sacrifice to give up and they set the ship to sea and shoot it down at sunset. Where all the sacrifices indeed go missing. On the fourth day a Large feast is held at morning then at noon the church goes into silent prayer. The day ends with all of the pilgrims setting sail him for their new future at sundown. This represents Dragonfly and his final station as the Lord of Sail and Sea.
The secret Underground Catacombs Hosts the Churches Living Vault. That only the Head Cleric and Certain Chosen Have Access to.
-Priest of Dragonfly Joke – “A priest of Taschel, a priest of Bollum, and a Priest of Dragonfly Walk into a bar. The Priest of Taschel prays for his spells. But does not get them, worried he looks at the priest of Bollum who Prays for Divine guidance at Craftmaking and Doesn’t Get them. They both Look at the Preist of Dragonfly who Prays for a bit of Luck. The Priest of Dragonfly gains spells and the ability to craft the greatest items. He then looks at the other two and says. “Guess we know who won the card game last night!””
Sorc 20/Drd Pirate 15/ Rogue 13/Leg Capt 3/ Ftr 2
Medium Sized Outsider (Chaotic, Neutral)
Divine Rank : 10
Hit Dice: 20d10+180(ftr,dr pir,legcap) plus 13d8+117(rog) plus 20d4+180(sorc) (861 Hp)
Initiative: +19, Always First (+15 dex, +4 Imp Initiative, Supreme Initiative)
Speed: 140, Swim 140, Fly 60
Attacks: +6 QB Rapier +67/+62/+57/+52
Or +6 QB Rapier +65/+60/+55/+50 plus +5 Hook +64
Damage: QB Rapier Elemental Aura Burst 2d6+17 plus crit 15-20 X2 plus Elemental Burst 1d10 15-20
Face/Reach: 5 feet by 5ft/5ft
Special Attack: Disarm +79 (Plus +25 always moment of prescience), Sneak Attack(attack of opportunity) +8d6, Domain Powers, Salient Divine Abilities, Spell Like Abilities,
Special Qualities: Immune Prismatic Spells and Effects, Immune Fire, Never Flatfooted Balancing or climbing, Evasion, Defensive Roll, Uncanny Dodge(improved), Trapsense +4, Trapfinding, Seamanship, Rally Crew, Acrobatic Charge, Epic Dodge, DR 45/Epic, Spell Resist 42, All spells and attacks have a 60% Mischance, Ability to Speak, Read, and Understand all languages, Can Speak Directly to all beings within 10 miles. Teleport Without Error at Will up to 1000lbs, Plane Shift at Will up to 100lbs of objects, Godly Realm (1 mile outer plane, 1000 Feet Material Plane) Any Dragonfly within 10 miles can be used as a Familiar as well as his own Familiar. +10 to AC and Attack when Diety and Foe are in same body of Water. Tidal Wave,
Saves: Fort +44, Ref + 55, Will +52
Abilities: Str 33, Dex 40, Con 29, Int 17, Wis 17, Cha 43
Skills: Appraise +21, Balance +95, Bluff +94, Climb +74, Concentration +53, Diplomacy +48, Escape Artist +37, Gather Information +39, Intimidate +54, Jump +41, Knowledge Arcana + 65, Knowledge Planes + 38, Knowledge Geography +23, Perception + 24, Sneak +35, Open Lock +30, Profession Gambling + 53, Profession Sailor +106, Search + 23, Sense Motive +38, Sleight of Hand +59, Spellcraft +66, Swim +29, Tumble + 57, Use Rope +38
Feats: Combat Expertise, Improved Disarm, Greater Disarm, Epic Disarm, Combat Reflexes, Exotic Weapon Prof. QBladed Rapier, QuickDraw, Two Weapon Fighting, Weapon Finesse, Force of Personality, Infusion of Balance, Snatch Weapon, Epic Skill Focus Bluff, Epic Skill Focus Balance, Epic Dodge, Epic Spellcasting, Eschew Materials, Ignore Material Components, Maximize Spell, Improved Sneak attack, Sneak Attack of Opportunity, Epic Reputation, Epic Skill Focus Prof Sailor,
Divine Immunities: Transmutation, Energy Drain, Ability Drain, Ability Damage, Mind Effecting Effects, Electricity, Cold, Acid, Disease, Poison, Stunning, Sleep, Paralysis, Death Effects, Disintegration, Imprisonment Effects, Banishing Effects,
Salient Divine Abilities: Alter Reality, Avatar, Divine Dodge, Divine Water Mastery, Extra Domain (Trickery), Instant Counterspell, Lay Quest, Power of Luck, Power of Nature, Stride, Supreme Initiative.
Domain Powers: Reroll any Dice Roll 10/day, 10 Rounds of Freedom Movement,
Spell Like Abilities:
Sorc Spells/day: (0 – 16th) 6/10/10/10/10/9/9/9/9/8/3/3/3/2/2/2/2 Epic Spells/Day 4
Sorc Spells Known: Repair Minor Damage, Detect Poison, Detect Magic, Read Magic, Light, Ray Of Frost, Mending, Prestidigitation, | Grease, Unseen Servant, True Strike, Animate Rope, Featherfall, | Earthbind, Web, Locate Object, Shatter, Misdirection | Fireball, Wind Wall, Detect Ship, Water Breathing | Dimension Door, Scrying, Hallucinatory Terrain, Raise from the Deep | Break Enchantment, Fabricate, Permanency, Prismatic Ray | Dispel Magic Greater, Suggestion Mass, Imbue Familiar with Spell Ability | Mordenkainens Magnificent Mansion, Plane Shift, Reverse Gravity | Prismatic Wall, Clone, Mordenkainen’s Capable Caravel | Prismatic Sphere, Meteor Swarm, Wish | (Epic – Living Vault, Raise Island)
Possessions: Shahannah – Epic Version of Elminsters Pipe – Celestial Battalion Armor – Lucky Amulet
Other Divine Powers
As a Lesser Deity Dragonfly may take a 10 on any check. Dragonfly treats a 1 on an attack roll or saving throw normally and is not automatic failure. He is Immune to Massive Damage. He is Immortal
Senses: Dragonfly can see with normal vision, hear, touch and smell at a distance of ten miles. As a standard Action he can perceive anything within ten miles of his worshipers, holy sites, objects, or any location where his name or titles was spoken within the last hour. He can extend his senses to up to five locations at once. He can block the sensing power of deities of his rank or lower at up to two remote locations at once for up to 10 hours.
Portfolio Senses: Dragonfly senses any conflict on the sea, at a port, or navel battle in the air as long as the event in question effects at least 500 people. He is likewise able to sense any changes of the Ocean as long as it effects at least 500 sentient beings.
Automatic Actions: Dragonfly can make any Skill checks as a free action as long as the Check DC is equal or less than 20. He can Perform up to five such free actions in a single round.
Create Magic Items: Dragonfly can create any Magical item that is consistent with a Sailors Profession or anything related to the Sea or Ocean as long as the items market price does not exceed 30,000 GP.
Divine Aura: Dragonfly’s Divine Aura is a Mind Effecting Effect – This Aura Can Extend up to 1,000 feet. A Successful Will Save DC 36 Grants Immunity to Dragonfly’s Divine Aura for a day. Upon Failing Dragonfly can choose the following effects. Daze, Fright, or Resolve.
Chosen of Dragonfly
Referred to as “The Captains”
Prerequisites: Each Chosen of Dragonfly has a prerequisite they must meet or maintain. Most common but not always, is holding Captaincy of your own ship. If you lose Captaincy or the ship you have 2 months to get and maintain for a month a new ship. (In the instance of Beowulf, instead he must maintain a Chaotic Good Alignment at all times)
As a Chosen of Dragonfly you gain the following…
Speed(Ex): A Chosen of Dragonfly gain a Swim Speed of 30
Preferred Weapon (Ex): Automatically Gain Proficiency with Quickbladed Rapier
Special Qualities: A chosen of Dragonfly retains all the characters special Qualities and gains those Listed below.
Strong Personality (Ex): Gain a Luck Bonus to your Will Save Equal to your charisma Bonus
Charming Repertoire (Ex): You gain a Dodge Bonus to your AC Equal to your Charisma. Any time you would lose your Dodge Bonus you lose this bonus.
Immunities (Ex): A chosen of Dragonfly is Immune to Cold, Drowning Effects, and Prismatic Effects
Water Breathing (Su): A chosen of Dragonfly can breathe water and survive high pressures underwater.
Tailored Skills (Ex): A chosen of Dragonfly always considers the following skills Class Skills. Balance, Bluff, Climb, Profession Sailor, Profession Gambler, Swim, Tumble. The chosen may also choose a number of these skills equal to their Intelligence Modifier and gain the ability to take a ten even while under stress with the chosen skills.
Abilities: Dex +2, Con +2, Cha +4
Spell Like Abilities:
Servant Horde(Always Maximized) (Sp): 3/day
Favorable Wind (Sp): 3/day
Domain: A Chosen of Dragonfly Gains the Ocean Domain as a Cleric equal to their total class levels
A Chosen of Dragonfly is a Template that gives and ECL +3
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Saturday, April 23, 2016
The room is dim save for a focused champagne lights that illuminate the green felt-covered table at the center. The room is unremarkable save for the table itself and therefore, irrelevant. Seated around this table, which maintains a vaguely circular appearance by virtue of it's octagonal design are presently three people. To my left, there is a man I will never meet outside of this place as, outside of this place, I'm pretty sure we'd try to kill each other – one Hal Jordan, or more affectionately known by his alter ego: The Green Meanie. The brown-haired handsome man glances in my direction.
“Deadpool, are you narrating in your head?” he asks. He sounds irritated, but clearly he doesn't understand that without narration, this would merely appear as a black blank page in an open word processing program on some idiot's computer.
“Just let him be,” says the man on my left, famous actor of the big and small screen – Ryan Reynolds. “You know if he doesn't narrate he'll disappear in a puff of logic.”
“Why did I agree to this again?” Hal inquires, his irritation clearly increasing.
“Because,” I reply, shuffling and bridging the cards expertly and definitely NOT sending 50 of the 52 cards flying across the table. “Joe needs to reconnect to the source material.”
“Which is me,” Ryan states, entirely not gathering the cards that flew onto the floor.
“Not even a little,” Hal rebukes, stacking up the blue, red, and white chips. “You know he doesn't give a hoot about popular culture which excludes you,” he gestures to Ryan, “and he has been a DC Comics fan since he was 10 years old, which entirely excludes you,” he finishes his argument with a computer-generated flourish toward me.
“But he has said more than once that YOUR movie was the worst DC movie of all time,” I counter. “And he fucking LOVED my movie.”
Hal bristles. “DC writers suck and Warner Brothers doesn't have the cojones to do a rated-R superhero movie…”
“Or a superhero movie with a female lead, or with an anthropomorphic rodent as a main supporting character….” Ryan murmurs as a not-so-subtle aside.
Hal glares. “Hey bite your tongue, you weren't even IN that movie!”
“Oh shut up, both of you!” I snap. “He is just out side the door.”
Hal stares at me. “How do you know?” The door opens and in walks the REAL Cheeky Joe.
Ryan stage whispers to Hal: “He's breaking the fourth wall and reading the meta-plot.”
I shrug. “Really it's more like I'm NARRATING the whole thing,” I shoot Ryan a Vaudevillian wink before greeting our newcomer by standing.
He is tall and bearded and bespectacled, big to the point of overweight, but wide-shouldered and walks with a great deal of confidence. “Joseph,” I say.
“That is not my name,” he replies.
“I know,” I say, and I do of course but that isn't the point. “But for today, your name is Joseph. Sit down.” I gesture to the one remaining seat. He glances at it. Reaches out a tattooed wrist and pulls out the chair to sit. I sit too.
“Hal, Ryan, you know Joseph.” I say. They both shake their heads.
“Nope,” says Hal.
“Never met him,” says Ryan. Joe seems not at all bothered by this, shrugging his broad shoulders.
“I know both of you,” he states.
“Good enough,” I say and deal out the cards. One to the kitty, two face down to each of them. They stare at the cards on the table as I place the rest of the deck down. Then they stare at me.
“Now what?” asks Hal.
“Don't you guys know how to play Texas Hold 'Em?” I ask, incredulous. Everyone answers negatively. “Well fuck, neither do I.”
“Perhaps we should get to the point,” Joe stats, resting his thick forearms on the edge of the table. “Why am I here?”
“You're here to answer a simple question,” Deadpool answers in the third person, then switches back to first. “How are you gonna' win this tag match?”
“Okay,” Joe says, glancing between the three of us. “Why are THEY here? And for that matter… You?”
“You tell us,” the three of us say at the same time causing a vaguely creepy echo effect that makes my nuts shrivel.
He considers the question. “I hurt my back this morning,” he replies. “Right this second I am doped up on so many prescription strength painkillers that I don't know what is the what.”
“So not a great time to write,” Hal nods knowingly. Ryan shrugs.
“I don't know,” he states. “Lots of writers write while impaired. Poe had opium, Hemingway had alcohol-”
“And cocaine,” Joe informs, smirking slightly. Ryan nods.
“And cocaine,” he agrees. “Perhaps fucked up on painkillers is the way to go.”
“What do you feel like writing?” I ask Joe.
“I've always enjoyed the notion of writing a blatant meta-plot but I could never quite accomplish it while sober,” he admits.
“Ah yes,” I say with a smile. “Something where you feature yourself as a character but not the narrator surrounded by different iterations of the same person up to and INCLUDING the very person who has come to represent these iterations of said character and then have a whole speech about catering to the meta-plot within the meta-plot of the text that you are writing, choosing of course the individual you chose to represent the character you are writing this for and but instead of plugging him into the scenario, describing yourself in his place because let's face it: You ARE the real Cheeky Joe.”
Joe considers this. “Something like that, yeah.”
“But how do you couch that into a roleplay?” Hal asks.
“You could do the 'it was all a dream' ending,” Ryan suggests. “It's a cheap get but it does the job.”
“Kind of fucks with the readers though,” Hal says. “And like you said, it's a bit cheap. It's kind of like giving the reader a giant middle finger.”
I nod. “And then shoving it up his ass and wiggling it around but don't you see? I spread my hands wide, giving Hal and Ryan the finger and waggling them suggestively. “That is what Cheeky Joe is all about. He's not here to win matches, he is here to have fun and if dry-penetrating the collective rectums of his audience is how he gets off, let him have his cheap get. He'll cum on in their poopers and smear the resulting frothy mixture of fecal matter and sperm all over their faces and ultimately get his jollies… which is the whole motherfucking point.”
“Besides,” Ryan says, breaking the fourth wall and addressing you, the reader.
“No one reads this shit anyhow,” Hal states, doing the same thing. I smile in smug satisfaction because I've been breaking the fourth wall the entire time. And the three of us disappear in a puff of logic, but JUST before I wink out of existence, I think of something, and pull my dissembling molecules back together. The Real Cheeky Joe just looks at me from across the table. I point as his crotch and yell:
“BOOYA!” causing immediate and painful ejaculation. I puff away as he shouts at me in rage and pain, a satisfied smile on my face.
Cheeky Joe snorts awake and glances around. He is in the front passenger seat of Average Mike's Prius, en route to Lonestar State Civic Center. Mike glances over. “Power nap?”
Joe blinks. “Yup.”
“You were talking in yourself. Were you having the Hal Jordan, Ryan Reynolds, and Deadpool play poker dream again?”
Joe pushes himself into a better seated position. “Yup. I really oughta learn Texas Hold 'Em cuz we only get so far before we have to stop and they have to lay some kind of existential lesson on me.”
Mike just nods, he's heard this before. “Any idea how you're gonna beat John Rikers and Terryl Fexxfield tonight?”
Joe snorts. “No fucking clue. I'll think of something.”
A long pause draws out between them.
“I'm gonna need to change pants,” Joe says.
“I know.” Mike replies, keeping his eyes very pointedly on the road ahead.
Fade to black.
Being from Minnesota, and more specifically Minneapolis / St. Paul area. We are highly saddened by the passing of Prince. Anyone ever use any of his music as character inspiration? Or campaign inspiration? Or even just writing inspiration? We sure did.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Wizard Talk (right click save as)
Monday, April 11, 2016
Friday, April 8, 2016
|A good visual aid of Jasper (Xan's Character)|